Breaking up is hard, but sometimes the relationship you were in just wasn’t working out for you. It’s not healthy being in a relationship that’s strained, emotionally hurtful or abusive, so if it’s time to get out of there, it can be a scary time. There is no one type of breakup, but there is one thing that every breakup has in common: it hurts. A lot. Here’s a few ways you can move on after a breakup in a healthy way.
Recent article I consulted on written by Ally Felam of mydeal.com.au
What Doesn’t Kill You…
You know the saying (and the Kelly Clarkson song), what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger. Mick Owar from Nothing But Net offers his advice to make your heart stronger after a breakup. “If you’d like to make your heart stronger, follow my set of rules here:
-Give yourself the appropriate amount of time to understand and accept whats happened.
-Find the little bits of light in all the darkness.
-Reduce your sugar intake! (Very important)
-Strengthen your heart but taking on board the lessons you can learn throughout this period
-Strengthen your body by realising you’ll soon be back on the market, by getting healthy in the body and mind, this will include adopting a healthy lifestyle and hitting up some solid exercise. (..Let’s face it, the best form of revenge is being a success, anyway!)
-Immerse yourself in loads of self-help audio books by kick ass mentors like Tony Roberts.
-Keep hitting up the gym.
-Ease yourself into being more social with friends. Sure, loneliness sucks, but it’s better than being stuck on the wrong person for you. At least this way you can just dip your feet in, it’s not deep, but it’s something. Some of the early days are just going to suck, and you’ll just have to knuckle down and suck it up. Just go through my list above so you can at least ensure that you are moving forward on these days.” Find out more about Nothing But Net by following them on Facebook.
Speak To Someone You Trust
You should never deal with hard times alone, so if you’re feeling overwhelmed or distraught, you should open up to someone. Madonna Hirning from Let Me Flourish offers her advice for those who need to confide in someone. “Be sure to reach out and connect with friends and family – keep up social activities even if you don’t fully feel like it. Again, don’t try and change your feelings though just bring sadness along for the ride if you have to.” Find out more about Let Me Flourish by following them on Twitter. A problem shared is a problem halved, and if you share any issues with someone you trust, you may perceive the issue from a different angle. This can help you cope in a different way, or discover a whole new way to process the issue. Your friends may also have some empathy towards you too, as they have most likely dealt with the same issues, and they can help you move on and move forward.
Dr Karen Phillip offers her expert advice. “Get professional support; re-engage in activities you enjoy; join meetup groups so you get out and about without dating pressure. It can be very confronting to re-establish yourself after a relationship breakdown. Seeking professional Counselling support is imperative rather than relying on friends to vent to. Counselling can assist the person to develop their self-confidence and self-esteem which is often battered after a relationship breakup. Perhaps the breakup is an opportunity. It has not happened to you, it has happened for you.” Find out more about Dr Karen Phillip by following her on Facebook and Instagram.
Let It All Out
Sometimes you don’t want to confide in someone you know, which is totally understandable. you want an outside perspective, or you just want to get your feelings off your chest. Kathryn Smith from Blushing Confetti offers her advice for those who need to get their feelings off their chest, and why it’s healthy, thanks to Blushing Confessions.
“1. Stop ruminating and start radiating: Have you ever caught yourself in the act of whinging
about the guy that broke your heart or the friend that screwed you over and thought, man, I
talk about this a lot? Dwelling on negative emotions can affect your mood, making you look
at everything more negatively. Ditch the anger by getting this off your chest properly, once
and for all.
2. Get a better night’s sleep: Stress and feelings of sadness cause hyperarousal, which often
results in difficulty getting to and staying asleep. As a result, a lack of sleep can make us even
more stressed and more tired and can lead to low mood, poor health, and limited
concentration in the workplace.
3. Improve your health: Hanging on to negative feelings can affect your mental health,
meanwhile sleepless nights can reduce your immunity. If you find that feelings of anger or
sadness are impacting your life, seek out professional support from a psychologist who can
help you move forward.
4. Restructure your thinking: Often it is not until we recall our feelings and why exactly we are
angry that we reflect on what has happened, and perhaps what role we played. A stream of
consciousness can provide the opportunity for us to shift our thinking on the situation, and
understand why something may have happened.
5. Move on: So your friend turned out to be less-than-worthy of your time, or your ex treated
you badly – but this does not mean that everyone will! Expressing your feelings through
words will empower you to digest what happened, and although you don’t plan to send the
letter and get an apology or a response from your ex, that is okay. In fact, simply writing the
letter is therapeutic enough for many of us to let go and move on.” Find out more about Blushing Confessions (and maybe confess something) by following Blushing Confetti on Facebook and Instagram.
Things take time, and you shouldn’t feel the need to rush your feelings away. Breakups are hard, and you need time to process the grieving of your relationship. So whether you need to spend a day or two in your bed with Netflix and a block of chocolate, or you sped an extra hour in the shower, just crying; just do it. You can’t expect to move on over night, and a general rule of thumb is that it takes half the time you were together to move on. To put it simply, if you were together for three years, it would take you a year and a half to move on fully. It sounds like a long time, but it’s generally the way it works. Toni Reilly offers her advice. “The heart does not respond to our mind dictating what is best, so if we tell ourselves we should be over it, we can feel like a failure when we lapse back into grief. Feel the emotions and allow sadness to run its course then by natural attrition moving on happens. “ Find out more about Toni by following her on Facebook and Instagram. Never try and rush yourself moving on, because it’s not healthy and it’s an easy way to get yourself into a downward spiral. Letting it all out really helps, as Karina Pamamull from Datelicious explains. “Next to death, break ups can be totally soul destroying and unfortunately there is no way around the grieving of a breakup, you cannot outrun it, outsmart it, pretend that you are better than it—the only way to get over it is to go through it! You need to stare the immense grief in the face, wallow in it, let it have its way with you, and be consumed by it. As much as we would like to, we cannot logic our way through emotion. Dealing with your emotions at the time of the break up occurs will assist with the healing process. We can’t outwit emotions, they will always be down the road waiting patiently for you to succumb. The best way to deal with it? Workshop it! Cry until you think you can cry no more. Then cry again the next day. Break it down, dissect it, over analyse it and write about it, record it, scream about it. Whatever is going to work for you. You’ll end up over analysing it anyway so use this as part of the healing process. Visit the old pros and cons list. Recognise what you did and what they did that caused the relationship to fall apart and take responsibility for your actions. No point in glamorising it—it is what it is and it is what it isn’t.” Find out more about Datelicious by following them on Facebook and Instagram.
Unfollow, Block, Delete
When you’re fresh out of a relationship, sometimes the best thing to do is to is to avoid your ex for a while. Rebecca Reed, the Heart Coach, offers her advice for those who need a quick escape from their ex. “Practical ways of moving on involve unfollowing your ex on social media. Seeing them out and about with new friends and dating partners is not helpful for healing. Stalking them online can become an act of self-sabotage, which can then lower our already crushed self-esteem.” Find out more about The heart Coach by following her on Facebook and Instagram.
Try And Better Yourself
You have to keep standing back up every time you fall down, and no one leaves a relationship fully in tact. There comes a time when you have to get up off the couch and put away the snacks. It may not be straight away, but it has to happen at some point. This is the point where you should focus on moving forward, rather than moving on. If you’re feeling sluggish, hit the gym. If you’re feeling uninspired, attend an art class or read a book. You should never stop working on yourself and making yourself feel happy. Take a look around you. Does your home need an update? Throw away some old things and replace it with something new. Upgrade your old bed frame with something stylish and pretty, paint the walls in your home a new colour or take up gardening. Always remember that this break up does not define you, and you shouldn’t let it make you feel bad about yourself. You’re better than that; now prove it.
Love Is Out There
You should never forget that this breakup is not the end of your chance at love and happiness. There is someone out there who can understand you fully and can appreciate you for who you are. Life and divorce coach, Megan Holgateoffers her advice. “My No. 1 Tip for recovery from a breakup is to simply ‘Get up.’ As Mohammad Ali stated, the difference between a winner and a loser, the winner continues to ‘Get up!” Find out more about Megan Holgate by following her on Facebook and Instagram.
If you go then I’ll be blue, because breaking up is hard to do. Never give up on love, though. Keep putting yourself out there; you’re a catch, after all!
Read more from Dr Karen