Are You Involved with an Emotional Manipulator or Narcissist?
– the signs to look for:
You might be dealing now or have previously dealt with an emotional manipulator. These are those partners who need to control you, to ensure you are there for them, when they want, how they want and they really ensure you do, think and behave the way they expect. If you either have a partner now, or in the past and are confused as to the reason the relationship was or is difficult, perhaps this may help explain.
These people are usually Narcissistic in nature. Definition of a Narcissist is people that have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for admiration and a lack of empathy for others. It causes problems in many areas of life, such as relationships, work, school or financial affairs. Read further to see if they exhibit these typical relationship behaviors that can leave you feeling like there’s something wrong with you.
- They Belittle The Way You Feel and Tell You How Wrong You Are
When you attempt to discuss what they had said to you being hurtful or making you feel upset, they usually turn it around so it was your fault. They can often tell you that you should not feel the way you do, it is wrong and you should feel x or y instead. They do not accept your feelings if it does not suit them and they surely will not accept they have done anything wrong to cause it – it was always your fault. They diminish your feelings as being silly and say you’re overreacting.
You often start to doubt yourself and your feelings believing them as they point out, you may simply be over-reacting again. These people can become angry when you disclose your feelings of hurt or are upset by their actions or words, this again will be turned to you being the cause of their anger, it is always your fault. You do start to question yourself. Am I wrong, am I loosing it, do I need help? Because they always tell you have correct they are and convince you things are your fault, you start to believe this and doubt yourself.
- Their Blame Always Comes Back To You
When you try to speak with this person and disclose your feelings in an attempt to discuss their behaviours, they usually turn it around making you the reason for their outburst. Comments such as “If you hadn’t said ….. I wouldn’t have had to …..” or “If you did …… I wouldn’t have needed to …..” or “ You made me yell at you”. They never accept responsibility for their own behaviour; it is always the result of something or someone else.You are again left wondering if they’re right and you doubt your own feeling’s as being valid.
- They Act Differently Towards You In Public Compared to You In Private
You are the most cherished partner and the brunt of the jokes. Usually they will build you up to everyone as they wish to be seen with the trophy so everyone can see how great they are to get such a prize. Saying this you are usually placed very high in front of all friends until the jokes start and little by little your self-esteem is chipped away. Nothing really unkind to anyone else, but you know exactly what the meaning is and may be embarrassed just enough for them to say what a bad sport you are, as all is harmless fun. This can often leave you feeling like a fool and again questioning if you are simply over-reacting to what was said.
In private, this emotional manipulator will be full of apologies when realising you have reached your breaking point. Don’t however expect them to own their behaviour because they will likely simply find someone else to blame for what they said. They can be so nice, polite and helpful to others however when at home they can be mean, nasty and vicious with their tongue. Others would be aghast to believe you, as they are always seen as so wonderful.
- They Do Not Expect You To Understand Their Feelings
The emotional manipulator often uses the statement “You wouldn’t understand” to make you feel you lack the intelligence or ability to understand them. They do this because they do not want to be cornered, they need to retain control. They want to make you feel like you are beneath them by claiming you couldn’t possibly understand how they feel. If they share at all it is very broad and just enough for you to either be confused or feel sorry for them. They are so good at this.
- They Tell You How Everyone Agrees With Them
This can create fear, doubt and insecurity in you because everyone is in agreement so they must be correct – again. If you ask for specifics you are not likely to get names, just broad comments like “everyone that was there”. If you press for names you are not likely to get them. If you do ask around and no one agreed with what they were claiming, you would have this turned around as well when they tell you this is not what they actually said to you therefore you got the whole thing wrong. Self-doubt arrives yet again.
- They Make Conclusions About What You Are Going To Say Or Do
They seem to believe they have magical powers; they have a mind reading hat they can pop on and off. While it’s normal for human beings to make their own conclusions about another person’s behavior, a mature and intelligent partner asks the other person what their intentions or thoughts were. In other words “what were you thinking?” or “What on earth did you say that for”? These individuals often act like a spoilt brat of a child. They blame others for everything, take no personal responsibility and manipulate you so you start to doubt yourself, your feelings and your actions. They usually always need to be right, about everything. This is because they are so superior to you – just ask them.
- They Make You Feel You Need Them
They have a wonderful ability to ensure you believe you need them. They drop subtle hints that it is great they are there to do this or that for you as you need them or how difficult it may be if they weren’t there for you. They often try to control the money and possessions. You start to believe you really need them; you are not complete without them. You question what would you do without them in your life? As time proceeds that can turn to “how can I get away from this person?”
- If They Cheat, It Is Obviously Your Fault
If you discover they cheated it is because you drove them to it. If you had ignored their behaviour there would not be a problem, so therefore it is a problem you created. They will justify everything and blame anyone especially you, even the person they had the affair with. While they say they may want to work on the relationship this is usually because they are comfortable having you there – the manipulated person they know. It is not normally about remorse or recompense. They may appear to outsiders as being somewhat sorry yet this is an illusion, they are not. The only thing they are sorry about is they underestimated their intelligence to keep it a secret.
SUMMARY Run, as fast as you can. Set a plan to leave and go fast and far. These people can be venomous if you make them feel like they have failed. If you take the step to leave they may ask for you to return for just a short while until either they can leave or it is a joint decision so they save face. Being left is humiliating to them. Get support, arrange somewhere safe to go and take action to resolve the partnership. These people can put up a great argument to reunite but they are not capable of ever changing and why should they, they are perfect, it is you that isn’t.